Let's Talk About How Pretty I Am.

Lately the best topic of conversation for everyone has been analyzing at length how drop dead gorgeous I am.

Because... you know... I am pretty.

If you haven't been able to tell......I've been really into myself for like the last 29 years and 2 months (I mean I didn't come out loving myself... it took me about 10 months to get there..... we are not all perfect) . So much so, that at a recent Dodgers game I focused on myself entirely instead of the game.

Exhibit A:

Please notice how this picture was take from below and I still look fly.... thank you.

What? Kemp wasn't there... don't hate me for focusing on the next most logical pretty "thang" at the stadium.

Anyways, moving on to my point... because yes I had one, other than stating that I am pretty.... and that is: proper I am pretty "tawlk" protocol.

This way you don't look at me all awkward when I say let's talk about how pretty I am... the conversation will feel much more all about me organic.

Rules for Engaging in I am Pretty Tawlk.



Rule # 1:
When I say let's talk about how pretty I am, You must reply with, " Can we? I mean your glow is out of control right now." and/or " Tap that weave hon-ey!"
Phone conversation protocol: " Yea.. I mean I'm like totally stalking your FB pictures right now"

Rule #2
There must be mention at some point about how skinny I am. For example: You can say "Hey where'd you go? Oh there you are... you're so skinny now I didn't even see you.. you disappeared on me... damn you are so skinny" and /or " You're gonna need to walk around with an anchor... these winds are gonna blow you away ".
If we are conversing on the phone feel free to tell me about how skinny I sound. Such as " Hello, Hello? I can't even hear you right now you are so skinny".

Rule # 3
You must refer to my weave as a different entity... because yes it is that fly it deserves to be referred to as a different person. Which means you need to acknowledge it's presence, for example "Thank you and your weave for making my day so much more beautiful"
Phone: "Did I just hear your weave toss itself? It sounded amazing."

Rule #4
It is always ok for you to tawlk about how my sa-shay (model strut) is fierce, how much you admire me for being so pretty, and how NO ONE can duck face like I can.
Same applies for phone conversations.


Now who wants to tawlk about how pretty I am?


Waiting,
Your Pretty, Skinny, and Duck Facing Queen


**** These guidelines should also be used when tawlking to any other famous models..... or if you are a dude trying to get at the girl..... Just saying.