The Fluffy Bitch Who Stole Christmas

Every Skank Down in Skankville Liked Christmas a lot…


But the Fluffy Bitch, Who lived just north of Skankville, Did NOT!


The Fluffy Bitch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!


Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.


It could be she was suffering from being on a diet.



It could be, perhaps, that her girdle was too tight.


But I think that the most likely reason of all,


May have been that sugar deprivation had created a hole in her heart.


Whatever the reason, Her lack of sugar or her girdle,


She stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Skanks,


Staring down from her throne with a sour, Fluffy frown,


At the cookie decorated windows below in their town.


For she knew every Skank down in Skankville beneath,


Was busy now, hanging a cupcake wreath.


“And they’re baking their cookies!” she snarled with a sneer,


“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”


Then she growled, with her Fluffy pudgy fingers nervously drumming,


“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”


For Tomorrow,she knew, all the Skank girls and boys,


Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for some pancakes!


And then! Oh, the smell! Oh, the smell!


Smell! Smell! Smell!


That’s one thing she hated! The Sweet sugar mapley buttery smell!


Butter! Maple! Powdered Sugar! (are you hungry yet...cuz I am)


Then the Skanks, young and old, would sit down to a feast.


And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d FEAST!


FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!


They would feast on Skank-pudding (you know sugar free cardboard crap), and rare Skank-bony-roast beast.


Which was something the Fluffy Bitch couldn’t stand in the least!


And THEN They’d do something She liked least of all!


Every Skank down in Skankville, the tall and the small,


Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.


They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Skanks would start singing!


They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!


SING! SING! SING!


And the more the Fluffy Bitch thought of this Skank Christmas Sing,


The more the Fluffy Bitch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”


“Why, for twenty-nine years I’ve put up with it now!”


“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?”


Then she got an idea! An awful idea!


THE Fluffy Bitch GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!


“I know just what to do!” The Fluffy Bitch cackled laughed in her throat.


And she made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.


And she chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Fluffy trick!”


“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!”( less fluffy of course)


“All I need is a reindeer…” The Fluffy looked around.


But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.


Did that stop the young Fluffy Bitch? No! The Fluffy Bitch simply said,


“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”


So she called her dog, Chaplin. Then she took some red thread,


And she tied a big horn on the top of her head.


THEN She loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,


On her her mommas car she hitched up young Chaplin.


Then the Fluffy Bitch said, “Giddap!” And the car started down,


Toward the mall where the Skanks bought skank presents in town.


All the windows where filled with specials. Loud ass people got in her way


All the Skanks were all buying skank gifts without care.


Then she came to the first big ass store at the mall.


“This is stop number one,” the Bitch Claus hissed,


And she climbed to the back of the store where all the Fluffy Bitch clothes are exiled too, empty bags in her fist.


Then she sucked in her gut and squeezed eased into clothes galore. A rather tight pinch.


If Santa could do it, then so could the Bitch.


She got stuck only once, for a moment or two.


Then she stuck her head out of the fitting room door.


Where the girdles all hung in a row.


“These girdles,” she grinned, “are the first things I'll buy!”


Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,


Around the whole store, and she took every size 22 jean!


50% off Dresses! On Sale shoes! You know all the shit that fit her fluff-ass


And she stuffed them in bags. Then the Fluffy Bitch, very nimbly,


Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in her mommas car!................



Okay,  I was going to continue with this story, but I thought I should just cut to the chase:
I spent all my allotted Christmas money on myself. Meaning this year everyone dear and near to me will be getting cookies with a Polariod of me in an item I bought myself in their honor.





P.S. this post serves as an explanation to all my family members as to why they are getting polaroids of me instead of a Christmas sweater.