The Bruja is Back with some New Year's Eve Ritual Advice

For those of you that follow my blog regularly ( in other words my favorite fluffatiers...but please don't tell those drive-by readers, I don't want them to think I have favorites), you know that I started my New Years Resolutions early by getting my fluff-arse on a diet early on this month(sort of). So I'm not going to get on the band wagon of blogging about my New Years Resolutions...you should all know by now it's to look like a hot ass RICH skank by losing 100 lbs in two weeks in 2012.....I know in my fluffy heart its doable.

What I am going to do is tell you about my plans to make that Resolution happen, and NO I'm not talking about how I'm going to starve myself on a liquid diet (although I am, because that might be the only way to make it happen unless my body decides to punish me with water weight...to which I will just resign myself to being a bloated skinny bitch). I am talking about trying out every superstition known to Brujas around the world  on New Years Eve. So below please find my top 5 Bruja Must Do's To Be Fluffless in the New Year:



1. I will either A) stuff one of my thunder thighs into a size 8 dress or b) if said thunder thigh is swollen due to previous chocoflan inhalation aerobic exercise I will drape dress around my head chanting "oh 2012 this will be the end of the world for sure if I don't fit into this skanky dress by the end of the year!"

2.In Latino culture you eat 12 grapes at midnight, each one symbolizing a wish to come true for each month. So yes I will daintily eat 12 grapes at midnight to symbolize the gazillion pounds I will lose each month while pretending said grape is a chocolate covered almond.(By the way as reading this to my sister she said and I quote " You are supposed to eat M&Ms not grapes!" Just another reminder my family is fat)

3.I heard that in one culture jumping up and down at midnight brings you extra height in the new year. So guess what I will be doing??? Yes I will be sucking in my gut while jumping up and down....because if losing weight doesn't work, at  least the extra height will make me look less fluffy. (Sister just said I should not jump up and down, as it might lead to breast cancer...so I suppose just suck in my gut should suffice)

4.I will be cleaning out my cupboards by dumping all unhealthy foods into my belly . Hopefully this will allow me to be all healthyfied and shit in 2012. (Sister just cried a little at this thought)

5. And because one of my goals this year is to go to a "Renewal Spa" aka fat camp I will be packing up my workout clothes and thong into suitcases as I run power walk around my block.

Now just for shits and giggles I am going to set the stage for you.

I live in a ranch area where all my neighbors are white retired folk that call me the colored girl down the street....so please imagine them calling 911 when I lug my workout gear and thong down the block as I shove twelve chocolate covered almonds grapes down my mouth, whilst jumping up and down sucking in my gut with a sexy black dress wrapped around my head (because the thought of shoving my thigh in that dress makes me want to reach for my inhaler),and dumping all my sugary treats into their garbage cans.

Now that I have basically made your stalker fantasies come true by telling you my plans for tomorrow, what are yours?