Bruja Tips for Weight Loss

You know what always cracks me up: older Latinas with their superstitious weight loss remedies. Perhaps, it could just be my family...but really I'm willing to bet you might have an aunt somewhere in your gene pool that suffers from delusions about how stuffing 18 Serrano peppers in your ears while running in -15 degree weather in your Mami approved undies will help you lose 100 pounds.

In my family everyone has an old wives tale type of opinion to losing weight, and of course being the rolly polly of the family everyone feels it is their obligation to share the insanity wealth with the family "gordita" (fatty).

When I was younger, this un-asked for "advice" was often taken as offensive and rude...my mom often said that was the "Americana" in me..."only gringos take offense to remarks about the body!" (Insinuating Latinos were more open to all personal matters). But really, I always felt that my body’s issues were none of their business, nor did I feel they had a right to comment on my fluffyness or my cousin’s skankyness.

 As I got older, I realized that what my mom said was pure B.S. , weight issues are sensitive for everyone in some way or form ( she didn't like it either when she gained weight and people started giving her Bruja tips for weight loss). And, I also realized with time, that really there was no harm in bruja advice.

You see my Tias' could have more directly insulted me. They could have gotten me a gym membership for Christmas, or the Ab Machine for my birthday, they could have …GASP… served me salad instead of tamales at the family table (talk about the ultimate insult).

Instead, my Tias' opted to tell me about how they heard this one Bruja say that kissing a frog and hopping around on hot coals aided the town fatty in losing huge amounts of weight. Really, I think it was their way of acknowledging that losing weight is hard, and that many times you feel like you need to go see a Bruja for a miracle. And in a family, where feelings aren't really acknowledged or validated, I think that Bruja Advice is really the closest I will ever come to a family member telling me they understand it's a struggle and don’t beat myself up over it

And instead of vowing to be fat the rest of my life just to spite them whenever I heard  Bruja Advice, I now enjoy hearing them and often times chime in with whatever crazy diet I just heard such as : “ Tia, I heard that swallowing 100 cranberries in the morning in one gulp will make you lose weight asi!” ( asi* is a saying translating to “like that” accompanied by the snapping of one’s finger).

BTW, the Tias usually responded with “Tu crees?” (you think?) and then they would add “ Ayy no! I think the Bruja of the Spider Hairs on her face is right with her---- (add one of the following below):

1.      Mixture of chicken gizzards, flan, and coffee spread onto your favorite pair of sexy chonies and then wrapped around your head at night ( this also does double duty as a hair conditioner).

2.      Alter out of one red candle (make sure it does not smell like warm apple pie.), 3 plucked hairs from a skinny skanky tramp, and the picture of St. Thomas of Aquinas (El Holy Gordito).

3.      The Egg Bath. A cold bath filled with "Spiritual Herbs and Spices" ( don't know what this is..but I'm hoping cinnamon is in there ) then take a uncooked egg in its shell and rub it all over your body chanting "Take my Fat Away" and then drop the egg in a location you will never visit again.

4.      The Fat Transfer ( my personal fav). Pluck 27 hairs from a skinny skank you dislike. Light a candle and recite: I transfer my fat to (Insert Skanks Name), may s/he find my unnecessary fat that is released and house it for eternity.

If anyone has any other Bruja advice let me know..I’m thinking of compiling a book. Lies That the Bruja Told Me …….Happy Monday!