Yes, I realize I’ve been gone for over a week now…and, No it wasn’t because I was waiting for someone to bail me out of jail for pimping all my “jelly” out in the street. (I already have a friend on standby should that ever happen …so no worries)
Actually, I’ve been morning the loss of my Abuelita (grandmother) who died a year ago today. When she passed last year, I never got a real chance to mourn her loss. I was, instead busy being strong for my father, who had been going through a horrible year of loss himself.
So really this past week, has been more about me honoring her memory by reminiscing on all of our chit chats where I
guzzled sipped my Abuelita’s hot chocolate and where she guzzled slightly wetted her lips with her spiked café con leche, and less about me eating healthy and chasing that very elusive carrot
And to be honest, I wasn’t planning on writing about her, but then I took a step back, and realized that there would be no better way for me to celebrate her life than to share with you my 5 most fondest Abuela Tips …my grandmother was just as vain as I am... really… I can see her wherever she is primping her fro in preparation for her Fluffy Girl debut, as well as
yelling speaking in her voice normal at me to make sure one of my top 5’s include something about sex ( grandma was a rolling stone)
So here are my top 5 Abuela Tips (translated of course):
1. Never leave your house without
a. Mascara on your lashes, because you’re chinita (almond eyed) and really you don’t want to walk around looking like you can’t grow hair.
b. 40 pesos wrapped in a napkin and tucked in your bra, because you never know when I might call you to pick me up some tequila or cigars last minute.
c. And a switchblade in your purse, just in case some “cabron” ( jerk) tries to jack you of my goods.
2. Remember that a lady always covers her tortillas so they don’t go stale, and a gentleman always wears a sombrero. ( this was my Abuela’s version of sex talk at age 13….in other words use protection)
3. The 2 most important things any woman with big “nalgas” (butt) can own is a girdle, the tighter the better, and that book with all those “Hindus” (her reference to Indians) making love...gotta put those nalgas to use.
4. There is nothing wrong with “getting around”… but there is something wrong with settling.
5. You may hear things about me that are mean, ugly, and perhaps unbelievable… Remember to never doubt your Abuela...she is capable of anything.
I really wanted to post a picture of my Abuela , but she would do back flips to avoid the camera. She would always say “No pictures
cabrona sweet child of mine! I don’t want “El” F.B.I. to know what I look like with my new girdle and nose job.” So out of respect… and to continue to throw the F.B.I. off the scent .. no pictures will be posted here today. Just know that I have her curly hair, sunkissed skin, and rebellious personality.
A quick note to Abuelita,
Thanks Abuela, for always being my light when my world was dark. For letting me know it was ok to be quien soy, 100%. Thank You, for never allowing me to settle. And even though I cursed you for passing down your curly hair… I now thank you for teaching me how to maintain it. I thank you for passing down every family “holistic” recipe to cure a cold and trap a man. For showing me I didn’t have to live my life by someone else’s standard, and that the only judgment that mattered was my own. Thank you for continuously reaffirming your love for me, especially in times that I felt unloved. Thanks Abuela , for being you and for being in my life, even when most of the time it was thru a phone call at 3am to notify me you were on to the “next one”.
I love you and will always carry you in my heart (next to my 40 pesos wrapped in a napkin).