Being on my death bed for the last week or so, I've had a lot of time to think about how to change up my workout routine (and divert you from the fact I gained two pounds during my illness). I mean as easy fix sounding as "chopping off my left butt cheek" is; I'm not ready to go there… just yet. So, while reading my girl's blog, Sujeiry 1st Lady of Love, I ran across a post where she talked about Sex and Religion: Do Atheist Have Better Sex? It got me thinking, if this was really true, and how it can apply to fluffy release (Yes, I am going there today).
First off, let me just say I am not a religious person, I was raised Catholic, but I no longer practice. I am a spiritual being (I Reiki and Bikram…what more do you expect). In my younger days I use to refer to myself as a hopeful atheist...nowadays, I am not sure of a lot of things, but I know that if God does exist...s/he definitely exists in the bedroom (yes, sex is that powerful...it can shake your whole belief system). I mean a sexual encounter is just not a sexual encounter with out the lord's name being thrown in there once, twice, a..... hundred times. So I started thinking: If Sex can shake your whole belief system; what can it do for my fluffy release endeavors?
The answer is: a lot. I mean, common sense tells you if you're doing it right you could probably sweat off a whole Big Mac (not that I eat those...anymore), let us not even talk about the toning possibilities. So I started doing some research and it turns out that The Kinsey Institute reports that the average person loses about 5 pounds a year from sex alone! (Apparently, the same can be said for masturbation...so don’t feel left out) Now, that's just the average person, and since I've heard that there are many people out there not putting their all into it…Imagine if you follow my well researched:
Fluffy Tips for Fluff Loss During God invoking Sex:
1. Turn on the fan....it's gonna get Hawt in Heerrr!
2. Remember to hydrate yourself and your partner well, you may catch him/her (your hands) off guard and they need to be ready for continuous rounds, or shall we say circuits.
3. As long as it is not a deal breaker for your partner; prepare your aerobic sex escapade by dressing in the right gear: Cover all unnecessary areas for sex with garbage bags… I heard this makes you sweat out more fluff.
4. If you have a non-compliant exercise buddy, remember to keep Viagra/Cialis/ or a Roofy at hands reach.
5. Play Dress- Up. Fashion your partner in outfits that are layered such as: police wo/man (make sure to add the bullet proof vest, undershirt, gun harness, etc.) Then forcibly take them all off, think of this as Resistance Training.
6. Remember to Clench your ass and Suck in your gut. In the long run it will replace your need to do lunches and sit-ups.( or you can do them while in the act..wink wink wink...bonus points!)
7. Take control...No this is not my Virgo tendencies sneaking in, research shows that those that control in the boudoir, burn more calories, so whip that ass....I mean work out those wrist muscles.
8. Change positions...frequently as possible, this is an aerobic exercise: missionary is NOT your friend....However; certain pages of the Kama Sutra are your best friends
(Chapter 8 is my fav...err got the best calorie burning record)
9. Remember if “Oh Gawd” has not been mentioned at least once during each circuit training…something is wrong (well unless you’re using gags to strengthen your lungs, in this case you should be thinking it)!Talking burns calories…so recite the bible if you feel so inclined.
10. And this is my PSA part of Fluffy Tips: Fluff loss takes vigorous work that can dry out certain areas…So please keep a bottle of Firefly handy, because saving the world matters. Besides you don't want a bunch chemicals all up in your stuff (as this week’s Bella Eco-consiente..I felt it my duty to provide an eco-friendly brand of lube)
I think that those serious about fluff loss can easily bring up the national average to 15 pounds a year. What do you think?
P.S. Before I grace you with my literary exit for the night, two reminders:
1. There is still time to nominate your favorite fluffy girl (ehhem… that’s me) for the Blogs by Latinas Award. Please go here, and scroll down to Health and Fitness and nominate: Fat Girl Escapades and attach my link http://www.fatgirlescapading.blogspot.com/ . If you are a Latina who is also wanting to be nominated please leave your nomination info in my comment section.
2. This week I am the featured Bella Eco-consiente (eco-conscience beauty) of the week at the La Bella Latina. The site is in Spanish, so if you don’t have Spanish reading abilities fake it for a good minute or two and browse the site (or Google translate the page). Please show your love and visit here.